Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
