Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Randomize
