Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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