I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
