I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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