Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
