i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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