So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
