A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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