i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
