Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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