I seem to have left my pride at pride
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
