Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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