My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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