obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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