Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
