My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
They took my balls.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
