I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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