went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
