I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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