So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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