My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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