This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize