Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
