I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
