this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
