she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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