i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
