I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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