I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Text me some of your sweat
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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