Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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