I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
