Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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