When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
