Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
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