me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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