Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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