Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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