Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize