my soul wont recognize me after tonight
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
