That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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