Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
