My room smells like vodka and shame
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
