well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
