Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
