you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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