I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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