i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
someone owes me an orgasm
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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