life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
