She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Randomize
