as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Randomize
