this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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