I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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