I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
