when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
