Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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