At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
