he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
