he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
