god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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