I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
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